Move

so i heard this new song "move" by Thousand foot krutch and its really been fueling my faith. i have no idea why but imm back into the bible and it feels good. i had a solid day at kenedy working on some shoulders and a little biceps. ran around playing handball with mikey mike and really comntemplating getting a membership there. Have to call phoenix soon to see whats up with them. :) ive been stressing about alot but lets just pray for that. need to actually start working for some goals nows the best time to start right? sure i miws her but im sure things will work themself out i just need to wise up a bit and Proverbs is doing that for me right now :) score one for Jesus! also MW2 has been pretty sick :)

Slow And Steady Wins The Race

so today was a slightly good day. Not bad to say the least. hung out with Ryan "McRowen" and Hannah Basham/family. shared a few good laughs and then watched Transformers 2 with My papa. got home looked at some online colleges and possible routes for my life. Need a good paying job much? haha. Off to bed to get up for work tomorrow. hooray!

I Know We Got It Good But They Got It Made

Im going to somewhat begin to blog daily just to see if anyone pays attention really. So comment away!....Not. anyhow Life is an interesting rollercoaster of a time. i wanted to join the marines for a while but my recruiter but he was kind of a jerk. Just didnt really explain the corps really well and was very unprofessional. Yay military robots! I want to pursue some sort of life but i dont really know where to begin it. I have general ideas and good advice from great people but just very hard to be self motivated. Like a stubborn mule. Sometimes i would love to just win the lottery but dont we all! Hooray for being 18 and a loser right? HAH. so struggles with God are consistant as the stars in the sky and I've been somewaht neglectful lately but i feel kind of ok at sometimes which is usually due to high levels of caffeine and low attention spans. As always! I've contemplated moving in with mikey come december but who knwos whats to come in my unexpected twisted day to day life. I work part time at a candy shop so i suppose thats somewhat positive. Its sort of like my false hope that the future will be cool when i get that next paycheck. So immature of me. GROW UP! shit. so many things in my life to manage yet there are really not. we'll see what is and is to come.

I Guess This Is Growing Up.

So I'm 18 and well on my way to nowhere, or so it seems. No I'm not just feeling sorry for myself I'm jut struggling with my family vs. My faith. I had two jobs and quit one because of overschedulin and although it was the better of the two the lesser hour Job is a bit more flexible to fit in a second job granted I find one. I'm tired of my family harassing me about every little thing like calling me an idiot and cracking jokes about he fact that I quit albertsons. I hate when they do things like that. It's all I ever hear because that's how my family communicates is through harassment. I want to get out but to where? Truly is the question. I want to be on yl staff but how? With what support? I guess this is growing up.

Show Me What I'm Looking For

well being out of school has taken its toll. i mostly do nothing besides sleep and go to work. im getting ready to go to woodleaf this upcoming sunday for my last time as a camper. then i go for all of august as a work crew member. i really hope i recenter my life around good like i should. i dont know what my career is but i might join the marines. i hope i really hear gods direction this summer. i also hope god helps me and hannah refocus on him rather than each other. i need alot of jesus these days. im confused and do nothing about it. just feel like im stuck and all i do is sing Carolina Liar's song over and over again. >>>???????

Let's Keep These Teen Hearts Beating Faster Faster

proms coming up and im so excited to see hannah in her new dress! She'll be so gorgeous....i can't wait! i really wish i could have one whole day with her from sunrise to sunset(or at least most of a day with her) where its just us...i often dream about just being with her for a whole day beginning outside playing catch with her softball then going in the pool for a swim and grabbing a picnic-like lunch then coming in to snuggle and watch movies....golly that would be great.

Touchdown Turnaround

so im finally realizing that i need to get working on my future...not so much my future in general but my future with God...the big man upstairs...ive been kinda neglecting him lately...well not really neglecting just not tuning into his station as often if you catch my drift..hannah kinda reminded me that i should trust in God and listen to him more often..i do need to do so but help is needed in some areas...she also mentioned she thinks im in the way of her and Jesus...it kinda hurt but i could see where shes coming from so i dont know what that means for us just yet...i really hope it doesnt mean an ending...i want to start fresh with her and with God i just dont know if ill get that lucky though

All's Well That End's Well

well i recently lost a pretty good friend of mine due to our selflishness and miscommunications. Great guy and all just didnt quite catch everything i threw at him and vice versa...ive realized that losing a friend can actually be tough and its a saddening thing watching other people have to be the "middle men". didnt want to have to put anyone through that but i guess i am. had an interesting thursday. got most of my electronics back to working action and quite satisfied...spent the day with jason applying for jobs and planning my friday...argued with hannah to end the night after younglife...the day was average with a low ending mostly...

Slow And Steady Wins The Race

So far this spring break has exposed me to many a thought. (tickle tickle time spinynerd.... send me a pic! little tickle/// hello you im zack and I like to tickle. tickle time..... COD tickle 4 zack likes boys and tickeling
). Anyways that was Ryan McClelland. This spring break has been slightly depressing and so far lazy. I havent accomplished much besides get my CA I.D and a new social security card. I might be losing a few friends over this break which is saddening but things happen. I got to see my best friend joseph and that experience was a fun one. My girlfriend is off to L.A. for the week so i wont really have anyone to hang out with. I hope things clear up. I need to get my life started soon i only got 8 weeks left. I really hope summer isnt like this spring break. Maybe ill have friends who dont ditch me. but who am i to whine about it. whining shows immaturity but the act of it sometimes helps alleviate the stress and aggravation that this situation brings.

What The Fork?

So RACHEL ENCHILADA came up saturday! Tyler was being his usual grumpy self and decided to sleep so her mikey and I went and got the Blakes :)It was an amazing way to kick off spring break! Happy Easter :)

Sun Rise Sun Set

so today i got to spend time with hannah which was good as usual and i signed up for a gym membership which im pretty stoked about...sounds like a pretty cool day but not for the most...my parents got home and as perverbeal as the sun rising everyday they argued...again...im stuck in this rut really...i know god can help and i want him to but its hard...i dont really have the means to help myself or at least i havent noticed it yet....

Let This Be Not Of Our Hands

haven't wrote a blog in a while eh?
how i feel...i dont knwo what to feel really...im glad to be seeing joseph this weekend...hes really my best buddy who i can tell anything to...i love that guy...i can be so real with him too...so ive been working for god with youth groups and all but thats not really enough...i really want to know what my calling is...im excited to be receiving me birth certificate and social soon so i can snag a job to save money...but for what? the future is full of only god knows what...literally...im nervous....scared...i dont think of myself too highly so i dont think ill have that succesfful of a future...im hoping work crew helps solve those issues...

With You

This Reminds me of Hannah and I

Maybe In A Different Light...

What am I? Do I matter? things we all often ask ourselves right? when life kicks us down we get scared...do you disagree? Life brings hardships and we have to deal with them. i will say this once and once only. Life is tough, life is not fair, life does not wait. Life will tear you apart from the inside out if your not careful. I can only relay a message i was told. God is there for you whether you believe it or not. He may not make your life better at the drop of a hat but just following what he has to offer will improve your life greatly. Take me for an example. My life for the longest time went nowhere but i found God my freshman year and ever since then have hastily walked with God and have grown deep into youth ministry even having high hopes of possibly being a youth pastor one day. I have an amazing family. You do too i promise. Whether its your family at home or your brothers and sisters in Christ. if noone is there for you God is and i vow to be as well. God helps us all. I have encountered an amazing girl i would never think to find in this lifetime. her name is Hannah Basham and her love for me has spun my world around. I never though it was possible for a loser like me to get such a great girlfriend. Theres hope for everyone out there. I can promise that if you believe in God things will end up being just fine :) Life is life but we have life eternal in heaven. Please if you have something you want to talk about let me know. im here for anyone any age anywhere. to Hannah&Family Thank You.I Love You...

Kindergarten

im just a kid here to tell a story, im not here for the title nor am i here for the glory,not in it for the money fortune or fame, i dont even expect you to remember my name, im just here to share a chapter in this book called life and how it can be ripped from your grasp in just one night,how there are thoughts and things that get in your minds, they tear you up eating at your insides,theyre like a sick infection beneath your skin, you want it out but you cant help to let it back in, it can be a habit an addiction or friends, no matter what the case the carousel never ends, its sick and its twisted but it dont care, itll suck your life out till theres nothing there,youll grasp for air pull out your hair as your lyin there tryn to grin and bear thinkin is god really there?, your all alone in a dim lit home thinkin if your the only one left on this globe, askin questions youll never figure out,frustrated overwhelmed wanna scream and shout, you start to pout hopin you can cry it out, when your finished all thats left is to die it out, your stuck with what you got you fell from the top youve been forgot like an old car in an abandoned lot, you put up big signs say your lifes for sale, you lost it all and guess what you cant do well, forget your talent you stuck at rock bottom, just like the rest but have you all forgotten, its time to rise up man show them yo stuff, make them regret never thinkin to bring you up,show them you belong too, if i can so can you, make your story heard spread the word, make it big just like they never thought you did, but dont forget this story came from a kid

A Wonderfully Poor Vocabulary :)

Once upon a time is how we wish it would be, where life is a fairytale and everything is free, livin in a time where everything is right, the world dont fight, its nice day and night, but thats not how it goes we gotta stand up tall, embrace ourselves and get ready for the fall, expect the unexpected, direct the undirected, were livin in a world chalk full of lies, and we gotta dream and just hope to get by, where the rich stay rich and the poor stay poor, we gotta pray for oppurtunity to knock on the door, and theres an aura in the air that just stays there and its just not fair how nobody cares, because this place we live in just loves to hate, push you around and discriminate, tell you its them that controls your fate, but wait its not too late there is one last hope and this one wont fail, you can be in a church or in the county jail, wherever your heart lies your problems will be solved, youll notice that your anxiety will soon dissolve, all i ask from you is to do a favor for me, just say "I Believe Christ Died For Me", i know it sounds fishy itll start off slow, but you have to let it set,fertilize, and grow, things might click and others may not, but its up to you to give all that you got.

No, Not Physical Eduaction But I'm Still Gettin' A Workout

This weekend was amazing...i cant thank anyone enough...friday was fun and saturday started off slow....my mom and sister got baptised :) and i visited with my nana and papa :) hadnt seen them in a while...went to Janays! saw Lippy and her bf Sawyer...guy was so nervous lol...then i went and had a nice dinner with my family as well as the ROSE family! Chris was sick so i was sad :( had a fun night with justin and tyler and just shot the bull all night...(means to just kick around and talk)...got up and spent some quality time with none other then the most beautiful girl in the world...Mrs. Basham :) watched Juno and Mammia Mia all cuddled on my couch :) i got to kiss her again and it felt so amazing :) i felt as if i could fly! isn't it wonderful to be a teen in love? now about 80% of those who read this doubt our love...but if she's feeling like im feeling we'll beat all odds and last for pretty much forever:) so suck it up :) i LOVE her,her family,everyone :) loving this natural high :) yay Jesus! and heck yes for Hellogoodbye! (she said kissing me was like kissing for the first time all over again with the butterflies and all O.O) "I'm So Excited!" (P.E!) no not physical education....the title for a movie! :) damn im feeling swell :P

When Your Heart Stops Beating

so these past two days have been a very climactic point in my short life so far...ive learned that my parents arent so fond of each other anymore...and that God can make things happen...i prayed for a second chance with Hannah and im getting one...im giving this one my all...she is my future wife...i felt this...i just know it...i hope she feels the same way...but life is so interesting...the people and situations it puts you through...when you least want God thats when you need him most and i learned that as well and its working out pretty darn good...i gotta keep this hope...i do feel bad for Jimmy...he and Hannah had a thing for a while...but im sure he'll get over it pretty quickly...now i feel its up to me to lead my friends in a good direction..and shes gonna help me :)I'll be there with her forever

Another Night Like This,One More Time Now

i know...i get it...right? get over her? stop feeling so down that whole bit...i know i need to stop sitting here complaining...who knows what God's plan is? maybe we will get back together and become some youth minstry leaders somewhere like we had originally planned...maybe we wont..she likes a guy(or so im told) so shes trying to forget...but her friend tells me that is she really loved me that she would miss me and we would end up back together...i hate when i receive advice like that...because then i hold onto that hope where it be false or not and people condemn me for doing so...its God's plan whatever the result...i have to trust in it 100%....but with a posible threat of a divorce between my parents its hard to cope with the fact that shes not there to comfort me...im lucky to know God and ot be leaning on his shoulder right now because i wouldnt make it otherwise...she would definately help but doesnt want to...im afraid of saying it couldnt get any worse because knowing my luck it will...so here i sit again...pondering...contemplating on my future...what about her? and us? what about my family? my careers in life? where will i go? what will i do? friends? all i know is that God states in scripture that he has a plan for us... Jeremiah 29:11 "for i know the plans i have for you declares the lord, plans of good and not evil...to give you future and a hope...Proverbs 3:5-6 "trust in the lord with all your heart and lean now on your own understanding in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight" i gope and pray to you my Lord...i gotta stick it out until the end

Fragile:Handle With Care

hope for the best and prepare for the worst right? wrong...if you want to be ready for life...expect the worst all the time...i would love to be able to hope but its just that much more of a let down....im trying God...i am...she just...ugh

Perseverance:"The Act Of Trying Even When You Don't Want To"

well...tonight was interesting...golfing today was fun...tyler then came into town and he mikey and i drove around...got shakes and fries and went to wal-mart...where we say Tony Jelso and then shortly thereafter watched Wall-E on the 42-inch TV display while sitting on the floor for an hour. That was fun...we drove around downtown then went to look for anything to do ended up at the bowling alle drove off the curb in tylers bronco and got a flat...but thats not all...while we waited for Nick Rose to come with a jack...we got to venting...tyler went on about how everyone gets to party and get shit-faced and we try to be good guys and get shit on by everybody and everything else...how crap always happens to us...why dont we get a break...mike complained about how he didnt get laid...Nick got there and i started ranting about her...again...mikey was saying well if you hate life just get some whiskey and drink it away if thats what you want...i told him this. "what i want? what i want is to take hannah apologize and love her watch Mrs. Congeniality eat ben and jerry's chocolate chip cookie dough and cry with her under my red fuzzy blanky where i can feel warm and safe from life hardships...where all my problems get washed away...is with her" thats what i want...but i dont get that...nice guys finish last right? everyone else gets a break while we average joes try to be the good ones and get crapped on in the meantime...mikey still complained about how god hasnt sent him his virgin...he gives me shit because i write blogs about how life is so damn confusing...Nick Rose was lauhging and mentioned the cat pee on my redblanket that happened like 6 months ago...and i made some metaphor about how the cat pee is sin and jesus is going to wash my red blanky or what not...and i told Nick no matter how hard i try or dont try or do what she says or not or anything its not like she'll take me back...we cant be the dynamic jesus duo...she wont let it happen...or will she? who the hell knows because life sucks balls sometimes and we gotta perservere and still love God...in the end hell make all things right but for now life just so...ugh...who knows...she made my days clearer thats all i knew and now that shes gone my lifes shot to shit...i thought maybe i had a chance...and some girl told her some BS about me and she believed it and now thinks im a manwhore or whatever...whoh the hell knows anymore...my friends are golden to me...shes still worth more...God is numero uno....but where the hell do i go from here?

Claritin Clear

well today was okay, i went golfing all day with mike darnell and Kevin Myers. I was talking to God for most of the time though idk if he heard me...i tried to forget about her...just because...to try not to be sad but it just doesnt work out...i tried everything i could...is this meant to be? or am i overreacting? what is going on with me? do i have hope? should i even have hope? where is God and why cant he just tell me what is going to happen already...

Emotions:Shaken,not Stirred

Its 8:14...or at least when i started writing this...what am i doing wrong?...she thinks im some manwhore out to screw all the women...she thinks i want amanda back...thats insanity in itself...i want her...God do i want her back...what hannah did for me....was amazing....before i met hannah...i was in a shallow relationship with God...i mean i had started my walk but i had never trusted him completely...before i met her....i sometimes thought of whether or not i had a purpose...sometimes i would too often think of that so much as to get depressed and contemplate suicide...i know its sounds extreme but that was a long time ago...once we started dating the relationship was pretty much just making out...it was immature but its all we knew thus far..we began to develop...i caved in to my old selfish ways and started to hang out with my friends more than i needed to...no offence friends but she does come before you on this one...even then she still loved me...i flirted with other girls....but not alot...just pretty much amanda...which screwed me over...amanda and i are very close friends...we lead youth group together which is why i wanted hannah to help me lead youth group so she could keep me in check if i wasnt strong enough to that day....hannah and i had our ups and downs...there was one time we took a break when she went to visit her couosins in colorado...she adopted a new "screw god and screw life" attitude...that attitude is now codenamed "thuglife"...i knew in my heart though that that wasnt the real her...i let her cool down and we started back into our relationship...we let things get too physical...too often we slipped...partly my fault...partly hers...but on January 3rd...my world went dim...New years eve...was one of the most stupidest nights ive ever endured...all that went on was mike talking about he could get laid and all these elaborate plans to do so...i knew that i shouldnt even be in the room thinking about it but i was too naive to do anything...i wasnt strong enough to face my friends and tell them that its not right...the night of january the 2nd....tyler and i drove to this girls house...he went inside and did his thing...i went in and the moment i stepped into her room i knew that there was something bad in there....she pushed me straight up against the door and i tilted my head away but she still kissed me on the side of my mouth...i shoved her off and started arguing about how i dont wanna do this its all bullshit and that i was leaving...she kept trying to seduce me just y her "dirty" talk and that did nothing but anger me...had i been any less of a man i might have hit her...but thats ridiculously wrong...we left back to my house and i texted her...i tried calling her earlier because i just wanted to talk to her until i fell asleep...but she didnt answer...all i could think was why was i so stupid?....she came over shortly thereafter that day...and gave me the promise ring i had given her...and that did it...my whole body and thought process...my heart hasnt felt the same since...i know my sulking wont bring her back but its tough not to...i remember falling to the floor crying...i admit it...man up...i watched her walk and sit in her car thinking "who the hell am i"...i took our pictures off of my shelf...and then i just started tearing everything...pictures...posters...hats and everything off my wall...i was so mad at myself...and that stupid girl...and the whole world at that point...my mom came in and ever since ive just cried on her shoulder...as well as my dads...and nanas and papas...but their shoulders dont feel the same as hers....ever since then its been hard to not try and talk her back into a relationship...i just want to get her back God....i have rededicated my life to Christ not for her but for the betterment of myself...i had multiple visions/dreams of her and i changing youth today...being a God driven froce and showing our friends the wonders of Jesus...just the other day tyler told me i think im going to choose the "Jesus life" over the "thug life"...i said thats what i did...what have you got to lose?....God helped me realize how immature i was without him in these past few years...not only with her but with everyone... iknow i put her through alot...but i wish she could find it in her heart...to let me have this one last try...i want to hold her and call her my princess...have her read me stories of God or anything for that matter....i wanna lay on my bed and watch her talk about her day...shes so cute when she does that...the way she gets excited or uses her little sausage fingers :) to explain how something went...ever since then ive never looked at anyone the same...i look at people now in a who needs God perspective...i see the intention behind some people...hannah is mad at me this i know and i think shes mad at amanda...im pretty sure she is but amanda likes me and always has and now that im available amanda is trying to do everything in her power to try and get me back...she even has tried lying to hannah...i just want her back....even for her to consider it would be nice...i miss the way we would call each other "bayybeeeeeeeeeee" and make the whole E sound...or when i would ask her for something and shed say no...i would go "OHhhhhhhhhhhOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"....the way she smelt...and how she felt just holding her...her hand while she drove me places because im a loser without a license...my family misses her too...my mom wants to be mad at her because my heart is broken but i constantly remind my mom that its not her fault....she wont read this...or this far...but Jessie Hannah Marie Basham....your the claritin clear to my world...everything is hazy without you...i know i found God and true god because of how great you were to me....i want a second chance like i gave you one in colorado...and screw what amanda says...lets just start over...fresh and new...ive said it before but well change our whole youths outlook on God....if only you let me back in...i will NEVER hurt you again...EVER

"Clean Up On Aisle Zack"

hanging out with chris...it was pretty fun. just sat in his office and thought about her and my stupid mistakes again for the most part. i dont know what im doing tonight yet plans are still up in the air. working on getting some donors for young life if anyone knows about people who could give a monthly donation let me know it would be amazing. you can contact me via email or cell phone 805 591 0059. i still wish i had her back. heart still heavy. girls these days are so transparent and immature. she was so perfect. and i was so unperfect. i wish i had one more chance to clean up this mess ive made. but thats for God to decide. not me. not me.

Dear God

I know you have a plan for me...i hope it includes her but thats not my decision...she just brings out the best in me...i didnt show her that though...now that i know your my first priority i can show everyone that...ive changed god...thank you...im sorry for my sins...

i know i took it too far...but this is what i told my ex girlfriend hannah...im sorry God for my sins...

you know hannah...those people who say those things like that are retarded...i wanted to believe that for the longest time but i see your being an awesome friend to jimny...theres so much potenntial for a future us and i want to help you with jimmy to help him find god...and for you to help tyler follow my lead...i know i screwed up but EVERYONE deserves a second chance...it almost makes me mad but im catching myself here because i k now i cant do anything about it but ive asked at least 30 girls...and they all said if their boyfriend or husband were to actually tell them something like that...that they screwed up that big and they know it was wrong and they didnt mean it...they would give them a second chance...i mean you could have heard if rom tyler or someone years from now and be destroyed...but i just keep on thinking about how great and dominant we would be if we were together...like we have said before it would be like a younger chris and ashley because all of our close and even distant friends would follow our lead you know? i mean im not perfect...i stumble but i learn from my mistakes hannah...im a hormone driven teen just like how our relationship was sometimes...you are just as guilty as i was on almost every front in our relationship whether that meant giving in to physical desire or ignoring me for friends...i admit i did it a little more but you did too...you gave my friend a lapdance for freakin sakes i mean it meant nothing but thats just so...ugh! you know? like wtf...hittin on my friend or whatever people call a lapdance...i know ive changed and my life took a 180 degree turn that night...she shoved me against a wall kissed the side of my lip and i shoved her off because i knew i loved you so deeply i wasnt going to let my hormones win that time...hannah...i know its tough and you just want to stay mad at me and heartbroken...but just come back hannah...itll be hard for us i know but we can make it...just come over and we can talk it out at first...then we can crack open the bible and everything i promise...we can even buy the chrisitan relationship 101 books like chris said...but even right now im wrong doing because im trying to take this into my own hands and not gods...im sorry...i just messed up...and if you do love god so much...idk i just think about it as he would give me another chance so why cant you follow the perfect and holy gods example....i mean im not saying to give me chance after chance...but just one to show you im different in every way....please? id do anything...id humiliate myself in front of everyone if that meant falling on my knees and begging for a chance...i just see the dynamics of us impacting everyone...even the young life leaders...thinking of awesome we would be knowing were god focused and not just going off of what we know...im sorry i let sin win so many times...but i have god on my side now...just come back hannah...come back...