Emotions:Shaken,not Stirred

Its 8:14...or at least when i started writing this...what am i doing wrong?...she thinks im some manwhore out to screw all the women...she thinks i want amanda back...thats insanity in itself...i want her...God do i want her back...what hannah did for me....was amazing....before i met hannah...i was in a shallow relationship with God...i mean i had started my walk but i had never trusted him completely...before i met her....i sometimes thought of whether or not i had a purpose...sometimes i would too often think of that so much as to get depressed and contemplate suicide...i know its sounds extreme but that was a long time ago...once we started dating the relationship was pretty much just making out...it was immature but its all we knew thus far..we began to develop...i caved in to my old selfish ways and started to hang out with my friends more than i needed to...no offence friends but she does come before you on this one...even then she still loved me...i flirted with other girls....but not alot...just pretty much amanda...which screwed me over...amanda and i are very close friends...we lead youth group together which is why i wanted hannah to help me lead youth group so she could keep me in check if i wasnt strong enough to that day....hannah and i had our ups and downs...there was one time we took a break when she went to visit her couosins in colorado...she adopted a new "screw god and screw life" attitude...that attitude is now codenamed "thuglife"...i knew in my heart though that that wasnt the real her...i let her cool down and we started back into our relationship...we let things get too physical...too often we slipped...partly my fault...partly hers...but on January 3rd...my world went dim...New years eve...was one of the most stupidest nights ive ever endured...all that went on was mike talking about he could get laid and all these elaborate plans to do so...i knew that i shouldnt even be in the room thinking about it but i was too naive to do anything...i wasnt strong enough to face my friends and tell them that its not right...the night of january the 2nd....tyler and i drove to this girls house...he went inside and did his thing...i went in and the moment i stepped into her room i knew that there was something bad in there....she pushed me straight up against the door and i tilted my head away but she still kissed me on the side of my mouth...i shoved her off and started arguing about how i dont wanna do this its all bullshit and that i was leaving...she kept trying to seduce me just y her "dirty" talk and that did nothing but anger me...had i been any less of a man i might have hit her...but thats ridiculously wrong...we left back to my house and i texted her...i tried calling her earlier because i just wanted to talk to her until i fell asleep...but she didnt answer...all i could think was why was i so stupid?....she came over shortly thereafter that day...and gave me the promise ring i had given her...and that did it...my whole body and thought process...my heart hasnt felt the same since...i know my sulking wont bring her back but its tough not to...i remember falling to the floor crying...i admit it...man up...i watched her walk and sit in her car thinking "who the hell am i"...i took our pictures off of my shelf...and then i just started tearing everything...pictures...posters...hats and everything off my wall...i was so mad at myself...and that stupid girl...and the whole world at that point...my mom came in and ever since ive just cried on her shoulder...as well as my dads...and nanas and papas...but their shoulders dont feel the same as hers....ever since then its been hard to not try and talk her back into a relationship...i just want to get her back God....i have rededicated my life to Christ not for her but for the betterment of myself...i had multiple visions/dreams of her and i changing youth today...being a God driven froce and showing our friends the wonders of Jesus...just the other day tyler told me i think im going to choose the "Jesus life" over the "thug life"...i said thats what i did...what have you got to lose?....God helped me realize how immature i was without him in these past few years...not only with her but with everyone... iknow i put her through alot...but i wish she could find it in her heart...to let me have this one last try...i want to hold her and call her my princess...have her read me stories of God or anything for that matter....i wanna lay on my bed and watch her talk about her day...shes so cute when she does that...the way she gets excited or uses her little sausage fingers :) to explain how something went...ever since then ive never looked at anyone the same...i look at people now in a who needs God perspective...i see the intention behind some people...hannah is mad at me this i know and i think shes mad at amanda...im pretty sure she is but amanda likes me and always has and now that im available amanda is trying to do everything in her power to try and get me back...she even has tried lying to hannah...i just want her back....even for her to consider it would be nice...i miss the way we would call each other "bayybeeeeeeeeeee" and make the whole E sound...or when i would ask her for something and shed say no...i would go "OHhhhhhhhhhhOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"....the way she smelt...and how she felt just holding her...her hand while she drove me places because im a loser without a license...my family misses her too...my mom wants to be mad at her because my heart is broken but i constantly remind my mom that its not her fault....she wont read this...or this far...but Jessie Hannah Marie Basham....your the claritin clear to my world...everything is hazy without you...i know i found God and true god because of how great you were to me....i want a second chance like i gave you one in colorado...and screw what amanda says...lets just start over...fresh and new...ive said it before but well change our whole youths outlook on God....if only you let me back in...i will NEVER hurt you again...EVER